Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
