Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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