I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
