I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
