Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
