4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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