May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
