She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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