Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
