I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
