I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
