brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Naked. naked and bneed help.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
