Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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