Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
