I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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