btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
