Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
this is an emotional support booty call
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
