my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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