i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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