I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
