she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
