I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
