I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize