We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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