i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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