i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
