i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
