afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
