just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
