you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize