How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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