Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize