I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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