wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
