my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
