the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
