i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
