Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
