I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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