My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
