I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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