I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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