dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
