The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
