he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
