It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
you had me at cake vodka
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
