My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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