Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
