It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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