Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
