im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
