So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
