I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize