Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
