You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
