when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
