Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My feet surprised me
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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