I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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