Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
