If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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