Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
