i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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