the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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