It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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