Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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