I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
