Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize