the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
