he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
The best revenge is premature balding
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
