I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
