Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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