I'll bet she douches with gravy.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
